Tearing Me Inside
by Moshi-Saki
Summary: An unexpected tear from...........................................................................
1. The way i feel Tonight

Title: The way I Feel Tonight

Author: Moshi-Saki

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Pairing: R/J

Summary: Jess' feeling after the kiss.

      He can't sleep. AGAIN. He ran his hand through his messy hair. He hated this feeling. The more he tried to forget about it the more its bothering him. _Why did she do that to me? She kissed me, and now she's pushing me away like this? She has no right to do this!_

Jess sat back against his pillows, pulling his knees up to his chest.

" God… I miss her…." , he sighed deeply and closed his eyes. The images of Rory came to his head. He could still remember how beautiful she was, he could still remember the way she smelled, and he could still feels her lips pressed against his. He licked his lips with the thought of that. _God …I wish you were mine Ror…_ He wandered how good they would be as a couple. He snorted. _Yeah .. keep dreaming…_

He wandered WHEN she will come back. When?? It's been…Forever! God knows how many times did he pass through the Gilmore house just to find out if she's home. He knew if Rory is back, the news is going to be all around the town. _Yeah…"THE TOWN", this stupid, stupid town. Not to mention the people in it. Taylor? Miss Patty? Kirk? LORELAI?? And Uncle Luke??? All of them didn't like me. And they never will. I know deep inside they wish I never came back here. I think Rory's the one who can stand me. Well… at least that's what I thought. She likes me? She hates me? She likes me? She hates me? She likes me?? Hell, I donno WHAT she's feeling for me. or maybe she didn't feel anything for me. Maybe that kiss was just a mistake. A MISTAKE!_ Jess shook his head. No no no no… lord I hope it wasn't a mistake_.  Rory…. Rory… Rory…. What the hell did you do to me?_ He groaned and shook his head once again. He scanned his room. His books were everywhere… this whole month he felt like his life is so …. "Pathetic," he murmured.

Lately I've been wandering

Off the narrow path

You've given me so many things that I've never had

And all in all I know it's you that always pulls me through

If you reach deep inside you'll see my heart is true

'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight

And I know I need you in my life

Yes I hate the way I feel inside

And I promise to make the sacrifice 

The world I know is pulling me

More and more each day

I feel like the odd man out as I begin to pray

Spiteful eyes are watching me

With everything I do

In the midst of darkness Lord

My spirit calls for you

'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight

And I know I need you in my life

Yes I hate the way I feel inside

And I promise to make the sacrifice…. Yeah…

(You know sometimes deep inside)

I feel like this

'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight

And I know I need you in my life

Yes I hate the way I feel inside

And I promise to make the sacrifice….

'Cause I hate the way I feel tonight

And I know I need you in my life…yeah..

The way I feel… I hate way….

The way I feel…..


	2. In My head

Chapter 2 

(The next day….. Doose's Market)

"Jess".

Oh my god. Jess felt like his heart stopped beating. He felt like his whole system had stopped functioning. _Is it her? No, no way, it can't be her…_ Jess frowned.

"Jess", louder this time.

_My god, it is her!_ He turned around and there she was standing right in front of him. For the first time he was speechless. He's been counting and waiting for this day. _Damn, she looks beautiful_. If they weren't in this stupid market, he would've grabbed and kissed her by now.

"Rory…", He forced a smile. "I didn't know that you're back." He sounded hurt, and weird at the same time. _Yeah… she's back! And of course…. She didn't tell me._

Thinking about that, made him feels… MaD! He really mad at her right now! This isn't fair for him. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve this at all. Not only she didn't call him over the summer, she didn't even bother to tell him that she's back! 

_Was it too hard to pick up the phone and dial my number? At least let me know that you're home. Safe. That's all I need so I can stop wondering how you were, and I can stop walking around your house like an idiot! Why am I the last person you're going to tell since I'm the one who kept thinking and worrying about you these past two months? I'm the one who've been waiting patiently by the phone and hoping that you'll call me? You could at least explain to me why did you kiss me? I deserved to know why!_

Tons of questions running through his head. All he needed was the answers.

Rory noticed the anger in Jess' eyes.

"I'm Sorry I didn't tell you Jess".

_Yeah sure…._

"I just-"

"Why did you kiss me Rory?". _There, I said it! Now watcha gonna say Ror??_

Rory looked terrified with his question. She glanced around the market, searching for someone.

" What? Scared that bag boy will find out?".

"Jess!". Rory yelled at him. She grabbed his arm and led him outside the market. Jess rolled his eyes.

[Outside]

"He's gunna find out anyway,"

"He's not" ,

What??! Did she just said… 

"he's not going to find out because you and me are not going to tell him."

Jess' jaw dropped. Rory's answers seemed to surprise him. It's like…. It's like she's been thinking and practicing what she's going to tell him. And that hurts. A lot.

"Oh really? And why do you think I would do that?".

"Because…", Rory hesitated. " … you're my friend and you always be a good friend to me, I just want you to do me a favor, just this once… Jess, please…".

Jess took a step back. The word cut like glass. _No , no, no…. this can't be happening. She said I'm just a friend. A FRIEND. F.R.I.E.N.D.!!!_ That's the last word he wanted to hear from Rory's mouth. He can barely breathe. He can't believe this one word could break his heart in pieces.

"And Jess," Rory stared right into his eyes.

No, Please don't say that another word. I really do not need to hear it right now.

"I'm sorry that I kissed you…",

Oh god….

"I was confused and that kiss was just a.."

"Mistake", he finished her final word, almost in tears. His knees got weakened and it's amazing how he could stand still. He didn't want to hear that damn word from her. He can't accept it. He just…. Can't. So that's why he finished it for her. Deep , deeeep inside, he wished that it's not true, he wished that she's going to deny it and proved that what he said was wrong but he saw her nodding, agreeing to his word. Jess didn't know what to think- or feel. His brain was muddled mess. His heart, wreck. He felt rather …. Numb.

And the worst thing was about to happen. Soon.

"Hey Rory",  ok… maybe a little too soon

"Oh Dean. Hi!". Dean gave her a quick kiss on her lips.

This is not happening. This is soo…. Not happening. God HelpMe!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm reaching out without a sound  
My pride falls to the floor again  
Inside my mind I search to find  
A place just to call my own  
  
Deep inside your eyes   
I am blinded by your love  
Still I run so far just to find that  
I'm alone again  
  
In my head  
I hear you calling me  
And I can't run 'cause there's nothing left for me  
When I fall you always follow me deep inside  
Deep inside  
Deep inside of my head  
  
I just can't last as these feelings pass  
Once again I hide the pain inside  
The smile wears thin and the lies begin  
To bring me down again  
  
When I run I run so far away from you  
I hide the pain and all the lies deep inside again  
And all my faith I put in you  
This time you take it all away   
  
Inside my head  
Deep inside   
My head  
  



	3. tears begin to fall

Chapter 3 

Jess had taken a step or two back, distancing himself from the scene and uncomfortably stuffing his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. He wanted to die. He quickly turned around. He didn't need to see this. The only thing he wanted to do at that moment was to get the hell out of there. He started walking faster and faster each time.

"Jess! Wait!". Rory tried to run after him but Dean stopped her by grabbing her arm.

"Where are you going?". 

"I have to- I just- Jess wait!", 

Jess just kept walking and ignored her. All he could hear at that moment was the voices in his head. Suddenly he felt so alone and … left out. 

"What are you doing Rory? The hell with Jess!!".

"But,"

Rory sounded almost in tears. 

"Let's go." Dean took her hands in his.

Rory watched as Jess slowly disappeared from her sight. "I'm sorry…", She mumbled.

*******************

[Luke's…. later that night…]

Luke was wiping the counter when Jess entered the diner. He frowned when he saw Jess. He could see that Jess' eyes were red and bloodshot. His hair was sticking out from all directions. He looked so pale and clammy. Luke walked over to him. 

"Are you feeling all right Jess?". Luke sounded worried.

"I'm fine". He mumbled. As he started walking, he stumbled, somehow tripping from his own foot.

"Jess have you been drinking??!". 

"No". 

Jess' head was spinning around. He couldn't think straight. He felt so much pain. Inside. Outside. It's just too much PAIN. _Water_. He thought. _I just need water_. He walked aimlessly. Luke was so worried seeing him like that. But he knew what had caused him. Rory. Though Jess didn't really tell him everything but he knew his nephew too well. He walked behind the counter and poured him a glass of water.

"Here",  Luke offered Jess the water.

"Thanks", Jess took it and Luke watched him with concern as he slowly took a sip.

"Drinking is not a solution of your problem Jess",

_Right. Like you know what my problem is._

"huh".

"ya' know….", Luke walked over to him. He placed his right hand on his shoulder. " Sometimes… crying is not a bad thing…", He tapped his shoulder a couple of times and then he headed upstairs. 

Luke was right. Crying is good sometimes. But Jess just didn't want to. He didn't wanna cry just because of a girl. A GIRL who didn't give a damn about him. It's not worth it. But right now … it seemed like it was the only way. Maybe it will work. Maybe it would heal.

Suddenly the glass he was holding fell to the ground. He got on his knees and tried to pick it up, carefully, but it was really hard. His head was pounding so he fell. Luke heard something.

"Jess is that you? Are you okay?", He yelled from upstairs.

Jess tried his best to get up but he can't.

"I'm fine…", he said a little louder so Luke can hear him.

"Are you sure??". 

"I am..!", he sounded more convincing.  "I am….", he murmured softly. He crawled a little so he could lean against the wall.

"I am…", He murmured again. He, somehow … tried to convince himself that he's fine… but he's not! Unexpected tears instantly sprang to Jess' eyes. They were the kind of tears he got when he lost someone that used to be close to him. Someone like, his dad. 

They were the uncontrollable tears. He brought his knees up to his chest. He wiped his tears with his shoulders and buried his face in his hands.

He couldn't believe the day when Rory Gilmore, the last person he ever thought could break his heart, would be so fucked up!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I need you to feel exactly like I do inside  
But I feel so alone again  
I try to find a better life  
Somewhere far away from here  
But I need you to believe in me  
  
But I won't be afraid  
Just because you don't need me  
I will not be ashamed  
Just because you don't believe in anything that I say  
Now I turn and I walk away from you


End file.
